The Chronicles of Closet Twihards: Episode IV
by imperial violets
Summary: Episode IV: A Twilight-Intervention. A visit to Green Fern Rehabilitation Clinic is what every Twihard needs. Rated for language.


A/N:

So, this is has been inspired by several stories that have been revealed to us by my little sister. Unlike us, she spends her time at twilightsucks(dot)com, we secretly spend our time at twilighted(dot)net.

Also, this episode is inspired by A&E's intervention.

We mean no disrespect to people who have done these sort of things or are planning to do them.

Please, please review! It really helps us to write.

**THE CHRONICLES OF CLOSET TWIHARDS: EPISODE IV: A TWILIGHT-INTERVENTION**

I sat in the visiting lounge by the large ornamental tree that looked like an oversized piece broccoli. My little sister, Jenny, had been staying here for four months now and I made a point of visiting her at least once a week. Unfortunately, I hadn't been able to come see her in almost two weeks because of a trip for work. So, for this particular visit, I went baring jellybeans and tabloid magazines; which took an _eternity _to find in the store. It's _so_ hard to find a magazine nowadays with absolutely no mention of Rob Pattinson, Kristen Stewart, Twilight, New Moon, Stephanie Meyer, vampires, small towns, or Volvos. You see, the doctors insist that Jenny's connection to the outside world stay very limited. I had to be very careful when choosing something to bring in for her and it had to be looked over by a member of staff before I can even get past the reception desk.

It all started about a year ago when Jenny discovered the Twilight phenomenon…

"_Jenny! Oh my god! I haven't seen you in so long! How is Brendan?"_

"_Oh, Brendan. Yeah, that didn't really work out."_

"_What do you mean: 'that didn't really work out'? You two have been inseparable for months."_

"_I just realized that there is something more out there. Brendan just wasn't it. He wasn't anything like my Edward."_

"_Edward?"_

"_Mmhm."_

"_And you told him that?"_

"_Yep. I told him he was nothing like my Edward and I couldn't be with him anymore."_

At the time, I was completely oblivious to the fact that Edward was a fictional vampire.

Originally, the symptoms were nowhere near as severe and, unfortunately, went completely unnoticed. There was a sudden interest in teen-fiction, a sparkly vampire Halloween costume, and a love of fast cars. All of which could have easily been mistaken for an early mid-life crisis or an aneurism; but I was _not_ so lucky.

Everything began to really get out of hand when the movie came out. Behavior that was only 'quirky' before was now obsessive and inappropriate when out in public…

"_Oh my god!"_

"_What is it? Jenny, where are you going?"_

"_Rob! Rob! I love you!"_

"_Jen, come back! Leave the guy alone!"_

"_Rob! Come back to me! Rob!"_

"_Jenny! There's a cab…"_

"_Rob? Rob!"_

"_Holy shit! Jenny, we should get out of here…"_

As you can very well imagine, that was _not_ a good day.

My parents and I finally decided it had gone too far about eight months ago when she came back from spring break. Normally, people go south for picking up guys or getting a tan. It's like a stepping-stone. But that was not what Jen had in mind…

"_Oh, look at my babies all grown up!"_

"_Hey mom."_

"_Hi!"_

"_So, Jenny, honey, how was your vacation?"_

"_Great! We had an awesome time."_

"_Who is 'we'?" I asked._

"_Oh Jennifer, I didn't know Ashley and Stephanie went with you. How charming."_

"_They didn't, Mom. It was just me and Edward."_

"_What?!" I screeched._

"_Oh, Sweetie. I didn't know you had a boyfriend."_

"_She doesn't, Mom. Edward isn't real. She just carries him around in her pocket."_

"_I do not! Not this time at least."_

"_What do you mean Jenny?" mom asked, sounding confused._

"_He was life-size this time."_

"_Oh my god, Jen. Was he two dimensional too?"_

"_You two girls have me so lost. Where exactly did you go on your trip again Jenny?"_

"_..Forks. It's a little town Edward is familiar with…"_

"_Jenny! Are you shiting me?"_

"_Stop! It was a very nice trip! We went to this cute little Italian restaurant and everything, Mom!"_

"_Please tell me you didn't eat mushroom ravioli."_

"_It wasn't on the menu."_

"_Forks? Sweetie, where is that? I thought you would have gone to Cuba or some other place with your girlfriends."_

"_Would you two stop! I went to Forks with Edward, okay!"_

"_Jenny, honey, I'm sorry to upset you. But, if you don't mind me asking, who is Edward? Did you meet him on the inter-web?"_

After that night my mother and I decided that _something_ had to be done. So, after much research as it took a while to find a place that would facilitate to her addiction, we got Jenny's two closest friends, my father, and a shrink. My mother also invited the pastor from her church for moral support, and we ambushed her in her apartment with a Twilight-intervention.

When we first walked into her apartment it was almost unrecognizable. I hadn't been in here since she first moved in and the pink, floral theme was definitely no longer in effect. Instead, the walls had been painted white and she had gold colored carpeting installed. It was nicely put together with the sleek modern furniture, but it was disturbing, as it resembled Edward's bedroom. She even replaced her antique oak bed with a wrought iron one.

Jenny realized what was happening the minute she got home and wasn't to pleased about it…

"_Please get out."_

"_Jennifer, your family and friends are here to support you in this difficult time. They all want what's best for you."_

"_What difficult time? I've never been happier."_

"_Obviously she has become delusional, this is more severe then I thought," the psychologist whispered to my mother._

"_What's with the baby grand?" I asked._

"_Edward likes to play it."_

"_For fuck sakes Jenny, have you gone insane?"_

_Collective gasps._

Apparently using the swear word in front of the pastor and using the word insane in front of a shrink, who was trying to tame a 'Twihard', wasn't proper protocol. Who knew that they even had a proper 'Twihard' protocol?

Now, I know not to discuss or criticize her mental well being, her progress would slow down and I knew my mother was looking forward to having her daughter back.

Jenny was happy here now, but it was difficult to convince her to join the in patient program at Green Ferns…

"_I'm not going," she deadpanned._

"_Please, Jenny! As your mother, I'm begging you."_

"_What about her?" she said pointing at me. "She's just as much as a Twihard as I am._

"_Twihard?"_

"_It's a term we have adapted for obsessive Twilight fans," the psychologist explained to my mother._

"_Yes, I've read the book, on your recommendation. I didn't care for it that much. I've read better, non-vampire books since then."_

"_Liar!"_

"_I'm not lying."_

"_Mom, she's lying!"_

"_I'm not."_

"_Whether your sister is lying or not, isn't the issue," my father shouted at her. "She has not been dating a fictional character, or lost her job, or flunked out of school, or has been prancing around the west coast with a cardboard cut-out like some lunatic. You are going and that's final!"_

"_But, Daddy."_

"_I said that's final!"_

That night she was brought to Green Ferns Rehabilitation Center, without any more complaints.

We had planned on visiting her the first weekend after her two-week acclimation period, but my mom called with a change of plans…

"_We won't be able to visit your sister this weekend."_

"_Why not?"_

"_Well she had an altercation with another patient at the clinic."_

"_What did she do?"_

"_What makes you think she did something? How can you have so little confidence in your sister?"_

"_Mom!"_

"_She threw a bible at a girl's head and Dr. Carl Mason said that she is refrained to have any visitors this weekend."_

"_A bible?"_

"_Yes, but it was a soft cover. Regardless, she was asking for it. She said that Twilight 'sucks'. It's a good book, you know. And did you know that that girl is a crack addict."_

"_Mom, please tell me you haven't started reading the twilight books."_

"_Well dear, I can't lie. So I won't say anything"_

"_Dear, god!"_

Fortunately, it was only that one weekend that I couldn't see. After that her doctor informed my mother that she had turned a new leaf and was progressing successfully towards rehabilitation.

I was still a little skeptical knowing that my sister was sneaky and probably had something up her sleeve.

Finally after what felt like hours of waiting, my sister pranced into the visitors lounge. I practically did a double take because I hardly recognized her. She had dyed her hair black cut it into a, dare I say it, PIXIE CUT!

"What the fuck?"

"You don't like it?"

"You look like…like…Alice."

"I know. Isn't it great? Dr. Mason thinks so."

"You are supposed to be rehabilitating. This…your hair…Maybe you shouldn't be here."

"Don't say that! I'm doing much better, Dr. Mason even agrees."

"When will I finally meet this Dr. Mason?"

"Actually he's in today. He said that he would like to meet you and that he'd stop by the visitors lounge before dinner. I can't wait for you to meet Carl. He's one of the best doctors they have here on staff. You'll love absolutely love him! Yum, Jelly Bellies! Thanks, you're the best sister. "

"I'm you're only sister."

I sat there, patiently listening to my sister gush about the good doctor. The fact that she was using his first name wasn't lost on me, and it had me really concerned.

"Hello, Jenny. How are you doing this afternoon?"

"Great, Dr. Mason."

"You must be Jenny's sister. Pleased to finally meet you."

"The pleasure is mi…

Well, fuck me. Jenny's doctor looks exactly like Carlisle Cullen, I mean Peter Facinelli, the actor who portrays him. This cannot be good.

Jenny started flirting shamelessly with Dr. Mason and I was beginning to feel like the third wheel, as he did not stop her advances towards him. Watching the two of them interact made me uneasy and I was beginning to suspect that he was aware of the similar physical features he shared Carlisle as well as Jenny's resemblance to Alice. And the fucking name! Carl Mason? I had to get out of there and fast. It was beginning to feel too much like the twilight zone.

"Well, I think I better get going now."

"Oh, okay. I guess I better get back to work as well. I'll see you at tonight's group session Jenny."

"I'll be there with bells on."

"It was nice meeting you."

"Likewise, Dr. Mason."

Jenny ogled his ass as he left, before turning around to me.

"Isn't he wonderful?"

"Jenny, I think…"

"Shut it! I know what you think and I don't want to hear it. Don't ruin this for me a second time by telling mom and dad. I'm very happy here and I don't want you jeopardizing my being here because of your big mouth."

"But, Jenny…"

"I said shut it! Now go, I have to get ready for tonight."

"Fine! I'll see you next week."

"Bring chocolate next Saturday."

"You're fucking insane, just so you know."

"I know. We all are, sis."

As I got into the car, trying to make heads or tails of my visit with my sister I noticed the time. Oh shit, I thought to myself, I was running late for my date with Edwin Collin. His plan was to take me out for dinner and to go see New Moon, _again_. I still had to get ready and change into my 'I'm dazzled' shirt. With that I put my Volvo into gear and sped out of the parking lot.

A/N:

Again, please, please review. Let us know what you think.

The Chronicles Of Closet Twihards will return in Episode V: The Duel.

"_My name is Ian Montoya. You dishonored Kristen Stewart. Prepare to suffer."_


End file.
